Read some travel jokes and start your day with a laugh...
A tourist was being led through the jungles of Brazil.
"Is it true," he asked, "that a crocodile won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
Look, guide, here are some JAGUAR tracks.
Good. You see where they go and Iíll find out where they came from.
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Inca temple.
The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.
To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 553 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 550 years old, and that was three years ago"
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Donít you ever shoo them?
Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island somewhere in South America.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking in the mountains.
They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is?
What can you deduce from it?"
Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
There is an art in writing travel brochures, as well as a matching art in reading them.
Without wishing to suggest that the following translations always apply, you might find the following terms to be of wry amusement...
|Old world charm||No bath|
|Majestic setting||A long way from town|
|Options galore||Nothing is included in the itinerary|
|Secluded hideaway||Impossible to find or get to|
|Pre-registered rooms||Already occupied|
|Explore on your own||Pay for it yourself|
|Knowledgeable trip hosts||They've flown before|
|No extra fees||No extras|
|Nominal charge||Outrageous charge|
|Superior||Two free shower caps|
|All the amenities||One free shower cap|
|Plush||Top and bottom sheets|
|Gentle breezes||Gale-force winds|
|Light and airy||No air conditioning|
|Picturesque||Theme park nearby|
|Open bar||Free ice cubes|
A plane was taking off from Kennedy airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, now sit back and relax.
- OH MY GOD!" Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"=============================================================
You'll know it's a No-Frills airline if:
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him.
After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane.
The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot.
However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:
"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
THE IRATE CUSTOMER:
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer or have been one, this one is for you:
A crowded airline flight was canceled.
A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. Please go to the end of the line."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore, fuck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
Top Ten Strategies For Avoiding Your Airline Seatmate:
Top 10 dumb questions not to ask:
Did you enjoy the travel jokes?.. have some to share with us?
Send me your favorite/s and we will publish them.
Regarding copyright of the above travel jokes, I don't have it, that's the reason I didn't include it.
Whether online or offline, jokes travel at the speed of light and, after a little while, you don't know where did they come from or where they're going to.
These were collected from many different sources and some sent over to me (never thought about ownership, really), but if you happen to be owner of any of the above just email me with your info and I will include it straight away.
Gracias mil y a seguir riendo, and when the world is driving you loco, come here to restore your sanity at once.
CŠlidos saludos desde Dublin, sayonara y hasta pronto,
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